Chloe

“If you get through a parent dying when you are really young, you can do anything.” 

Grief is a very strange thing, it never entirely leaves you, no matter how far you grow from it. We evolve, and so does the grief.

The room was dark, and I patiently waited on my blank Zoom screen for another unfamiliar face I would connect with. It took a few tries to get Zoom working due to the sporadic internet system at my school. Once my wifi decided not to be difficult, Chloe Scott Giry sat across from me through the computer screen. She has a soft and kind nature to her. The interview began. Chloe lost her dad when she was a freshman in college. He passed away from an illness as well- a mean lung cancer. She was on her way to the airport to go and see him when she and her family received the news that he passed: a type of shock that always stays. Chloe explains grief as something that is not linear or follows a timeline. She suggests that everyone goes through grief in a very different way. 

“I didn't choose grief, it chose me. I didn't get a say in how I was feeling or reacting because I was just in it”

The emotions when grieving can be too big to control. You don't get to decide how you want to feel that day. Everything just comes at you. One emotion that seems to stay prominent is the feeling of guilt and anger. Chloe mentioned that there is guilt in being happy when you go through grief. It's this type of guilt that makes you think that you should constantly be sad about the person that died, instead of being happy. All anyone ever wants is for you to be happy;  sometimes that's hard to see when that person is dead. 

The big question that I had for Chloe was “Do you see grief differently now in your adulthood compared to when you were a teenager?” I have this anxiety about the future- something that I can't control. Does getting older mean that I will forget more about my dad?” Over time the sharpness of grief dulls out. The pain changes; it's no longer so prominent. However, that doesn't mean that you forget or don't feel anymore. You become a different person. Chloe says that she is no longer the girl she was when she was nineteen. With that change comes maturity and time to process. You are forced to grow up much faster than others and deal with things that no person let alone a child should ever endure. Teenagers don't know what to say or do-me included-even though I am currently grieving. Being a teenager is awkward and hard, and sometimes saying nothing is better. Something that Chloe shared which I loved was that she said to her friends that she wanted them to ask her about her dad. She wanted to share the things that she loved and missed about him. Talking about the person who passed seemed to keep his memory more alive. 

“Everyone goes through it differently - but the core feelings are the same.” 

A really interesting experience that Chloe talked about was the panic that comes with grief. The type that scares you into thinking that something awful has happened to someone close in your life all the time. She mentioned that she used to get stressed when she wasn't able to reach her mom. This really hit close to home because any time my mom is out or gone for longer than she promised, I go into a spiral of all the bad things that could have happened. It's a dark place to go into. 

As my dad’s two-year mark just happened, it makes me think about something specifically that Chloe mentioned to me. She said that she used to not look forward to her dad's death day. However, now later in life, it's a day that she does in fact look forward to because it gives her space and time to really think about her day and the person he was. I hope that one day, I can embrace this day as well.