Chloe

“If you get through a parent dying when you are really young, you can do anything.” 

Grief is a very strange thing, it never entirely leaves you, no matter how far you grow from it. We evolve, and so does the grief.

The room was dark, and I patiently waited on my blank Zoom screen for another unfamiliar face I would connect with. It took a few tries to get Zoom working due to the sporadic internet system at my school. Once my wifi decided not to be difficult, Chloe Scott Giry sat across from me through the computer screen. She has a soft and kind nature to her. The interview began. Chloe lost her dad when she was a freshman in college. He passed away from an illness as well- a mean lung cancer. She was on her way to the airport to go and see him when she and her family received the news that he passed: a type of shock that always stays. Chloe explains grief as something that is not linear or follows a timeline. She suggests that everyone goes through grief in a very different way. 

“I didn't choose grief, it chose me. I didn't get a say in how I was feeling or reacting because I was just in it”

The emotions when grieving can be too big to control. You don't get to decide how you want to feel that day. Everything just comes at you. One emotion that seems to stay prominent is the feeling of guilt and anger. Chloe mentioned that there is guilt in being happy when you go through grief. It's this type of guilt that makes you think that you should constantly be sad about the person that died, instead of being happy. All anyone ever wants is for you to be happy;  sometimes that's hard to see when that person is dead. 

The big question that I had for Chloe was “Do you see grief differently now in your adulthood compared to when you were a teenager?” I have this anxiety about the future- something that I can't control. Does getting older mean that I will forget more about my dad?” Over time the sharpness of grief dulls out. The pain changes; it's no longer so prominent. However, that doesn't mean that you forget or don't feel anymore. You become a different person. Chloe says that she is no longer the girl she was when she was nineteen. With that change comes maturity and time to process. You are forced to grow up much faster than others and deal with things that no person let alone a child should ever endure. Teenagers don't know what to say or do-me included-even though I am currently grieving. Being a teenager is awkward and hard, and sometimes saying nothing is better. Something that Chloe shared which I loved was that she said to her friends that she wanted them to ask her about her dad. She wanted to share the things that she loved and missed about him. Talking about the person who passed seemed to keep his memory more alive. 

“Everyone goes through it differently - but the core feelings are the same.” 

A really interesting experience that Chloe talked about was the panic that comes with grief. The type that scares you into thinking that something awful has happened to someone close in your life all the time. She mentioned that she used to get stressed when she wasn't able to reach her mom. This really hit close to home because any time my mom is out or gone for longer than she promised, I go into a spiral of all the bad things that could have happened. It's a dark place to go into. 

As my dad’s two-year mark just happened, it makes me think about something specifically that Chloe mentioned to me. She said that she used to not look forward to her dad's death day. However, now later in life, it's a day that she does in fact look forward to because it gives her space and time to really think about her day and the person he was. I hope that one day, I can embrace this day as well.  

Carl

“Mental health is like taking care of a car: recognizing where there is a problem and then bringing it to somebody that knows how to fix it.” 

Carl Brandl is the beloved therapist at my school. I got to know Carl properly when my dad got sick. Carl made the effort to meet and talk with me, letting me know that I will always be supported. From then on Carl became a person who I loved to see and talk with when I had the chance. He is the warmest, kindest man you'll ever meet, sort of like a young Santa Claus who gives great advice. Carl is a registered therapist who also has a clinic outside of school. I met with Carl on a fall afternoon at school. I wanted to find out what grief meant to him and how to handle something so hefty. In the DSM (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders) book, complicated grief is categorized as a process longer than six weeks. Symptoms can be loss of sleep, no appetite, etc. While being a helpful definition, grief can be characterized as something sorrowful and sad. But overall to Carl, it's the act of remembrance, happy or sad. Carl had told me a little story about his own experiences of remembrance. He was hiking over the summer and met a man with a labrador named Elanor; the same name as his mother. Carl expressed that he enjoys those visits and those small moments that make him remember somebody he lost. That is an example showing that “not all grief has to be sad”.

`Some Tips from Carl (our kick-ass therapist) on how to deal with grief:

First, be honest with yourself and your emotions even if you can't be with others. Grief can bring up countless emotions. It is important to be able to know that people can experience grief at different points and in different ways, “it's okay to feel different ways about death and loss'”. Make sure to check in with yourself on how you are feeling, processing, and dealing with the loss.
Are there bad ways to grieve? 

In short, Carl says yes there are many ways. “When life throws shit at us, our instant reaction is to do things that feel good”. Drugs and alcohol are big suppressors. Food can be another one or things that make them feel better, or people can fall into bad patterns with a lack of self-care and love. All these things are understandable, however, Carl says that things like this don't allow the process of emotions. If your technique is to drink those feelings away, it's never going to get you better in the long term. When Carl is meeting with somebody who is experiencing grief he goes through a protocol of questions; How are you sleeping? How are you eating? Are you exercising?  What are your relationships with drugs and alcohol? This is a check-in that anyone could do for themselves during any given situation; a moment of important reflection.

Finally the big question….Is there a very specific grieving process for kids? 

Bottom line, it's a developmental thing. Kids of various ages are not going to grieve the same. Teenagers and kids lack lots of points of reference in terms of loss and death. They don't know what it feels like to lose somebody; the experiences and the emotions that come with it are brand new. Being a teenager is being in-between space and it is an odd time for many. Carl says the best thing that people can do for teenagers is listen and hear when they want to talk specifically about grief and death, instead of forcing them into a conversation. Teenagers need to take breaks from grieving but also have access to somebody for when they want to talk about how they are feeling. In the end, Carl says we need to be able to recognize when our mental health is not the best and have the tools to help.

Rebecca

“Heal with time”

Rebecca DiSunno and I connected through my Therapist. Rebecca used to be an art therapist at Camp Good Grief. This is the same nonprofit camp where I volunteered last summer. Rebecca is a nurse clinical specialist in child and adolescent mental health. Rebecca’s professional life has included working with children and people experiencing grief. I wanted to find out her insight.

Rebecca had an early experience of the loss of a friend in high school, as well as other personal losses in her life. Her friend in high school backed up her car and when she went to drive away hit a tree and died. It was a very sudden death. At the funeral, something that really stuck with Rebecca was that all the men were the pallbearers for the casket. In a way, it is almost a metaphor for how men carry and deal with grief in a very different way.

What does grief mean to you?

Rebecca mentions that this is a hard question to answer because there are many different forms. Recently for Rebecca, she experienced a type of anticipatory grief because her husband was quite ill and eventually passed away. Anticipatory grief is the type of grief where you're feeling the consequences before the loss actually happens but also may be helping the person who is about to leave you. Another form is traumatic grief which is unexpected grief that may be accompanied by a traumatic experience. Grief is very individual and goes along with the circumstances of when it happens.

“Grief is beyond control”

Tips for dealing with grief: First there has to be a really good listener. Another important thing for young people to note is that the intense devastating feelings lessen over time. It is very important to be gentle with yourself and do things that you enjoy. Don't feel guilty. Rebecca told me a little story about her volunteer work in Tanzania. There was a home for boys who had no family. The boys would dance as a way to release the tension and grief from their bodies. Grief can be like an ocean. The waves can constantly crash on you- this is my favorite analogy to describe the process of it.

“Grief takes up so much energy”

Rebecca talks about the exhaustion that comes with grief. Processing can take so much psychic energy that can then translate into physical fatigue. Grief is beyond control, so it's normal to be angry.

What do you think about the 5 stages of grief?

Personally, I think that there are no five proper stages; grief is constantly changing and moving with you. There is no set schedule on how you can and should feel. Rebecca believes that at the time when Elizabeth Kubler Ross wrote about it, people were searching for ways to deal with grief. She was a pioneer for grief. Although Ross talks about stages, there was a misconception that you had to go through them in the way they were explained. In the long run, we all have some of those feelings, they just come and go. Today as a society we are better at knowing how to help people who are grieving.

“What you're doing is absolutely wonderful because I think that teenagers have a really hard time reaching out for help, but when it’s another teenager, it makes a huge difference.”